Leather and Stupid
by whereohwherehasmylittlecatgone
Summary: The awesumist storie about harry potter but not really, it's like about other people in hogswarts. and a love sotry ; . Not meant to be taken seriously...but made to evoke laughter from our target audience! That's you, by the way.
1. Please respect the Leash lAws

**Emily and Hannah present: Leather and Stupid: The "Best" Story Never Written**

**Warning: Reading this will destroy your remaining brain cells. All your brain cells are belong to us!**

**Additional Warnings: Prolonged exposure to **_**Leather and Stupid**_** can lead to tiredness, dizziness, pointlessness, rabies, brain hemorrhaging, change in hair texture, severe depression, death, excessive use of dialog tags, and Corgis. In extreme cases, it can also lead to the urge to write your own little work of fan fiction. Please resist this urge at all costs. Thank you, and enjoy.**

CH 1: Please respect the Leash lAws they are very important

_Warning: warning: doesn't involve leashes or laws but wait... theres probably wizard laws and wizards might like walk their lizards on leashes or something...me myself and I only walk the dogs on the leashes but you know other __**so cites**__ have different things that are walked on leashes like._

Charcoal Costington was 6 feet tall. He had twinkly blue eyes that lit up the room. Well most of the time they lit up the room. Sometimes they didn't, but that was very rare and is not the point. He mostly wears dark pants most of the time. They are kinda skinnyish but not so skinny that was like ewe those are too skinny! He's a wizard too he goes to Hogwarts and he's in Slytherin and that's super sexy! His hair is of the raven black variety. It glimmered in sunlight to showcase it's truly glory upon the horizon of all things sexy. He didn't dye his hair it was just super perfect and ego and sexy and he did the floppy thing with it sometimes since he is full of evil and magic and angst. Also, he is badass. His lip is pierced on his left side, and the lip ring is sliver. He wore a small amount of guyliner, which totally worked for him. It didn't look gay or anything! In fact it looked super sexii. His wand was very dark to symbolize that he is evil. His robes are green and stuff, since he is in Slytherin and likes snakes and he can speak Parselytongue. Also he wears the dark mark. That means he is a Death Eater. Duh.

His parents are both Purebloods. He is a Pureblood. Though he only lives with one parent. His mother. His dad was a Pureblood, but the good wizards killed him with a killing curse. His dad hanged hiself after the killing curse was put upon him. He knows how to cast Avada Kedavra but him only did it to animals not people he hasn't had a chance to use it on a person yet. He really wants to but then Dumbledore or someone would notice and he'd go to wizard jail. That is bad there is Demeanors there. Voldemort doesn't know that yet or something. THEY DIDN'T ALL LEAVE TO JOIN HIM KAY?

Charcoal was going to class in his sixth year after being placed in the sorting hat. Every year he puts it on and it says Slytherin they just have to be sure but he is always evil so it never changes to Gryffindor or something. He is evil because he knows all 3 forgivable curses and the 3 unforgiveables as well. He also knows 3 that are sometimes forgivable and sometimes not. They are known as the 12 forgiveables since he is evil so he thinks the unforgiveable curses are definitely forgivable.

Before he went to class Charcoal had to put his clothes on. This is a very complicated process since he is so sexy. First he put on his pants, then next he first put on his boxers which were black. The boxers had a green shiny snake on it. The boxers covered amazing things underneath. The pants were normal wizard black pants. He put on his robe. He didn't wear a shirt under his robe since he gets really hot in class because he is badass. I mean, he's always hot but this is a different kind of hot we're talking about. We're talking about the hot like panting hot not the hot like sexy hot. He also has a cool scar on his face kind of like Harry Potter only cooler. His scar goes across one eye vertical and the other horizontal. If you look at them you can see the reason for his madness. This is an angsty moment, you should feel agnst now. Also he can be a dog like Sirius but evil but it's a wolf kind of like a werewolf but since he is an am magus he can be it whenever he wants. Also he doesn't wear a leash because he is a wolf and also a person and that's just really stupid. Plus when he turns into a wolf clothes don't stay on him. Isn't that sexy?

Charcoal was going to Potions, who was taught by Snape. Charcoal wasn't that great at potions, but he still got great grades. None of his grades were bad since for the most part he is part smart. However being a Death Eater was difficult and he had to hide it from the professors. Being a Death Eater was cool, however. It made lots of girls like him even though he didn't notice, he cared too much about his duties as a Death Eater. He was too emo and badass to be into girls. He's not gay or anything, he like appreciates the female body and all, but like he just doesn't want a girlfriend distracting him, yam know? He hoped for a friendly female to join the Death Eaters, but right now there was only Bellatrix Estrange **(Atusz note- yah I like notd ers more but I dunno deyz namez like gilr or somefin)** and she made him uncomfortable with things. Like this one time she was eating a pear and didn't share. She was just plane rood! He sat down in potions in his seat. He looked at his partner. "Hey, I'm Charcoal Costington," he said with mild interest and boredom.


	2. y do U haVe to be a NonConForMist

CH 2: y do U haVe to be a NonConForMist like Errybody elSe?

_Objection: You made it this far, right? You might as well continue._

Geraldine Evangaline St. Christiantine loved pink. She always wore pink and pinkish things. She was a witch, so she had a pink hat and pink robes. She was 5'3" tall and weight 110lbs. She had honey colored hair and sapphire blue eyes. She was pretty, but she didn't really realize it. She was one of those people who thinks they look average, but really they are like uber pretty. She goes to Hogwarts and is in Gryffindor because she is brave. Once she killed a spider without screaming and calling her mom.

Anyways she was sitting in Potion's class next to her partner from Slither. That meant that they were automatically enemies since she was in Gryffindor and all. Good vs. Evil and stuff like that. Still he was hott! He had the whole ego badass thing going for him and that was totally not her type but she found herself lost in his twinkly blue eyes. And his super black hair. And his wicked sexy skinny jeans. And oh my god, was he not wearing a shirt under his robes? Geraldine, or Gine (**it's proNounced JeaN peoples! like as in jeaNs u wear!) **as her preppy friends called her, Gine was totally a prep incase you couldn't tell. Anyways she decided to stop looking at Charcoal because he was nothing but trouble being a Death Eater and all.

Gine thought of her father, who was killed by the death curse and then hanged himself and is now a zombie vampire werewolf transformer wizard. She also thought of how she never met her mother. Apparently she likes left her dad for Voldermort, who at the time still looked human and went by the name Tom and was a total hogtie. She then pictured what her mother would look like. She thought she'd be uber ugly like her since she thinks she's uber ugly but she is really pretty. Other boyz were staring at her but she was too busy to notice since she thinks about many things to think about. Like for example.

Charcoal turned to her and was like "Hey" in a flirtatious way. She must be a library card, because He was totally checking her out! He looked at her pink stilletos, then at her nice legs, and up to her pink mini skirt and pink blouse and pink robe, and he looked at her face seeing her pink lipgloss, pink blush, pink mascara, pink eyeliner, and pink eyeshadow and up to her pink witch's hat. He then looked down from her pink eyeshadow and pink witch's hat. He kept looking down until his eyes hit the floor. Then he looked back up. Then he looked in her eyes. Then he kept talking. "You never answered me bitch. I said Hey I'm Charcoal Costington. I said Hey I'm Charcoal Costington."

Gine squeaked. "I'm so sorry! I'm Geraldine Evangaline St. Christiantine." Charcoal just grunted. Gine frowned at this. She was used to boys fawning over her, but she wasn't sure why, since you know she didn't realize how pretty she was. She thought she was like super ugly even though she really was really pretty since everybody really thought that it is a wonder her self esteem sucks. Anyways they went through potions class ignoring the mutal lust between them. Then they went separately to their next classes. She was walking to her next class thinking about boys and how boys were cute and how she wanted to have a boyfriend because that is what popular girls do. Gine is VERY POPULAR EVERYONE LIKES HER.


	3. t takes tWo to tango upon my heart

CH 3: it takes tWo to tango but only one to cast AsPell [upon my heart]

_Disclaimer: You have been disclaimed._

Charcoal's next class was Charms. He didn't like charms very much, since he liked classes like defense against the dark arts since he could learn how to make his dark arts less defensible. He liked classes like Potions since Snaped taughted it and Snape was head of Slytherin. Snape was also a Death Eater. He hadn't killed Dumbledore so shah nobody knows about that yet. So they all thought Snape was evil and everyone else kind of thought he was evil but he was really not. He used to like Lily and stuff and he still does even though Lily is dead and he's good and all that, be sure to remember.

Charcoal's shoes were covered in mud, and there was no explanation for this. No explanation that others could see. But Charcoal could see an explanation. He was going in the Forbidden Forest Before class and it was to do things. Those things were evil things. He had to talk to the spider people and convince them to join the Death Eaters. Aragog was like "Okay why not my life is boring anyway." Oh, Charcoal was in wolf form in the woods but then changed to people form because otherwise the giant spiders would not understand his woofs. He should have wiped off his shoes but he didn't change back to wolf form after taking to the spiders because he liked being a person a bit better. This sucked for his shoes. He would so have to wash them later. I mean, have a house elf wash them. Since he didn't do that kind of stuff because he was evil and badass. I mean, who washes their shoes evilly? It just cannot be done. Charcoal tried but couldn't pull it off and if anyone could pull it off he could. Nobody could pull things off things quite like he did. One time he pulled sheets off his bed very very sexily that it was very hot.

He was going so slow and he was lost so he might miss charms. Who was he kidding? He didn't need charms class! He was charming enough already. But Dumbledore or some other good person might get confused at his muddy boots. The only way to prevent suspicion was to act normal, and that meant going to class, which was normal. Skipping class was slightly less normal. Charcoal had to skip on occasion due to Death Eater duties. Most times he didn't skip though. He liked to be incognito. He had time to go to the Forest since he had a time turner. He stoled it from the Ministry of Magic. He went to the Ministry of Magic to spy. It was somewhat of a success, but somewhat not. Voldemort thought his job was mediocre. He was awarded with only one Cruciatus curse. If things were done right he was rewarded by getting 0 cruciatus curses. Those hurt but Charcoal was badass. Charcoal was also a statistician. He was good at math, but that doesn't matter since wizards don't have to do math or stuff. He could do calculus, despite never knowing how to do it.

Next thing he knew he was sitting in his seat in Charms class. It seemed like today they were taking notes. Luckily Charcoal had a quick quotes quill because he was rich and Pureblood. He just sat back and brooded about how he wished the war would end soon. Then perhaps he wouldn't have to be so badass. He liked being badass, but sometimes he wished he was less badass. Only SOMETIMES though. Most of the time he was happy to be sad and emo and brooding and a daredevil.

Who was it….it was GINE? Oh, Gine was sitting next to him. Weird, right?

THIS IS THE PART WHERE THE POINT OF VIEW CHANGES KAY?

Gine was having the bestest day ever. Every day for Gina was the bestest day ever. She was so great at everything and she didn't even know. Something really great was going to happen today right? Great people have great things happen to them and nothing goes wrong at all. That would be just pain weird. It would be a wierd pain to have something go wrong to a grate person!

She sat in a seat that was next to a cute boy. OH MY GAWD. Was he cute! Then she realized that it was…Charcoal! LIKE, WHAT WAS UP WITH THAT THEY HAD AN ENCOUNTER ALREADY.

THIS IS THE PART WHERE THE POINT OF VIEW CHANGES AGAIN KAY?

I was sitting at my seat in Charms. Things were…interesting to say the least. That girl across from me, something was…different about her. First of all, she wore way too much pink. Such a tragedy to see such beauty and grace locked inside, scared to come out, I knew it was there, I just did. Nobody is that artificial. No, there must be SOMETHING she's hiding. And I, Charcoal Costington, aim to find out what.

Oh, and also she's hot, and I would like to get inside those things called her pants. Well, I means she;s wearing a skirt and all, but it's the principle thing that matters. Just sayin'.

This is where the chapter ends. If you don't review this story, I will hunt you down, and then give you a piece of cake. You better review now!


	4. Chapter: A chapter

CH 4: Chapter: A chapter

_Pontification: Purposely proposes perplex phrases._

Thanks for all the vowels veryone! I needed them for things that I do something's. I like hate when I am playing scrabble, and there are no vowels. That sucks. Or too many. Like, you know. Cavy. I got 63 points for that with words with friends. Just sayin that I am kind of awesome…umm, yeah anyway, this story rocks.

_Dear People who have written this story that I have currently read:_  
_OH MAH GAWD WHAT HAPPENS IF CHARCOAL AND JEANS DON'T GET TOGETHER? They are like, so different, and I know that like most of the time it works, but what if they like, cannot bridge their like, differences? That would make me sad! They have to get together! And they have to stay together cause obviously it's true love!_  
_**-Slixforsticks**_

_Dear,_  
_ I'TS Pretty obvious charcoal is grey._  
**_-Theoneboneszs_**

First of all, I'm not going to reject to these, as they would produce a spoiler. And I hate spoiled food. Like, this one time. There was lettuce and it tasted really bad and that is just not good you know? Yes, of course you know. It was silly for me to assume otherwise! Now I am the fool.

Jeans turned to Charcoal and spoke underneath her mouth. It is easier to speak with your mouth as opposed to her ears. Gine can speak using her ears, since she is very talented. She also is a very good singer and songwriter and can play every single instrument ever. Except the trumpet, for some strange reason the ability to play the trumpet alludes here. The flute is her favorite since it rhymes with fruit, and the Jeans often consumes fruit for sustenance, when she isn't devouring souls.

"Say, Charcoal," Spoke the Jeans. "Do you want to do something after class?" She winked at him not very suggestively, because she isn't a slut. She was insinuating that they do a completely platonic activity such as paint each other's big toenails. What, don't look at me those strangely? I paint my big toenails ALL THE FREAKING TIME. And just that toe, because it is the most special of all that is toenail, got it?  
Charcoal took the wink to be suggestive even thought it obviously wasn't. He really sucked at interpreting things that were obvious to the audience. "Well…like what?" he asked. He wasn't scared of being with a girl, since he had been with a few girls and it was perfectly pleasant and nothing was missing at all.

"I was thinking…perhaps you could help me study?" Jeans was going to do that thing where she pretended she was stupid even though she already knew all the answers. This is always acceptable to do in order to get a boy to like you, because they won't like you if you are smart. That means you won't sleep with them! (**Author's note: Dat state MEANT was never meant to be a truth of a thing to be said that the character did and stuff so like ya know).**

"Sure, whatever," said the Characoals. "I guess I can help you." He flipped his hair in dig nan tally. "Well, said Jeans," said Jeans. "You can start by getting me a slurpee."

"Ugh," thought Charcoals. "I don't want to get this gurl a slurpee." He decided to put some contagion or something equally available to in her drank. "Here, Gine," he said. Gine came over since she thought he wanted her to come over or something equally ridiculous.

"Like OMG, what?" she asked.

"Here is your slurpee," he said pathetically.

"THAT IS LIKE SOOO ROMATIC," antagonized Jeans. She unhinged her jaw sexily and swallowed the slurpee cup and all. Charcoal was not so strangely turned on by this. What he failed to realize though was that every single boy (and some girls) were also in love with Gine.

"Don't you mean Ro-MAN-tic?" asked Charcoal conservatively.

"Um…hey…." Harry Potter walked up to Gine in an out of character fashion and introduced himself. "I'm Harry Potter…the boy….who…..lived."

"Oh, hey, I'm jeans," said jeans. "You are like sooo cute," said jeans.

Wow? Really? Jeans thought He was cute? In a fashion typical for his character, Harry Potter was very pleased with this. Screw Ginny and Cho Chang, Jeans was the real deal! For one thing, they were very comfortable. Wizards could always wear a veru good pair of jeans more often. Ron Weasel was looking on in very jealous rage. Ron just wanted to be with Jeans because she was his one true love. Love in first sight is extremely real, but not as real as love at first bite **(like vampire love is the most real pepels!)**, remember that! The Professor that was teaching the glass tried to restore order, but nobody really gave a crap.  
Strangely, Charcoal wasn't very jealous of Harry Potter. Well, he was. But he didn't' show it, which would be very typical for a story such as this to show that he liked her. How was Jeans ever to find out. That Charcoal liked her! That my reader, you will have to read on.

"So umm, I was umm, thinking that mum, we could go to the Great Hall and mummy hang out?" asked the obnoxiously Gryffindork Harry Potter.

"Well, I was going to hang out with –"

"IT'S FINE!" interrupted Charcoal. "I have some non Death Eater activities to do for someone who most definitely isn't Lord Voldemort."

"That seems plausible," interjected Harry.

"Yes," supplied Gine.

"Do I even get any lines?" asked Ronny-kins.

"No, now sit in the corner and be quiet," added the wise older sister who is authoring the story.

"I see no reason to disagree or argee," said Ron.

"That is my mate! You don't do that to him!" Harry shouted.

What everyone didn't notice was that Charcoal snucked out of class to attend to Death Eater business. No clear transitional phases were used as Charcoal suspiciously raced down the hallways and other stuff. Lord Voldemort has asked him to…well ordered him to - any ask by the Lord of all that is Vile and Despicable is an order – kill a Hufflepuff in order to show loyalty. Charcoal was in the room with the Hufflepuff. "Huff'n'puff," he screamed very seductively slowly. "I am here to kill you to prove myself. Vordemort is doubting me due to a mediocre performance and I will not suffer the pain of torture because I can kill at will!"

"WAIT!" said Jeans. "I followed you because I didn't buy that crap where you said that Moldy didn't make you do this. I know you are an average person inside that bad person, or something like that." She wanted to say "I LOVE YOU LET US MAKE OUT NOW!" but she had run out of capslock voice to do so. What's that called when people talk in all caps…and they are loud? Shouting. Oh yes. She didn't shout because her voice was a horse.

"Bitch imma have to avada kedavra you nao." Charcoal was very sad about this, because he was in love with Gine.

"OH CRAP!" she shouted very fangrily. "Well, in that case, I better run," she ran and talked quietly. She didn't get very far though, devastatingly. Even though she is very skilled in every possible skill, running she is not very skilled in, morbidly.

"Petrificus totalus!" cast Charcoal very stonily.

"I really should pay more attention in class," Gine thought very regretfully.

Gine was very paralyzed, but not struck by Charcoal. Charcoal really didn't know what to do, so then he cast a spell. "AVADA KEDAVRA!" The student droped dead. Not Gine, you idiot! The Hufflepuff one that was used to set up a plot point! He then turned to Gine and kissed her on the lips. Gine could kiss back, but she didn't, because she was paralyzed voluntarily verily. "Obliviate," he said very regretfully. Charcoal then walked very away. He had to get very away from the scene! But he played Assassin's Creed and therefore knew the best way to escape was to blend, and not sprint. He carefully blended, he has robes, it helps much. Yes.

Pretty soon, Professor McGoogle was on the scene. "ZOMG WTF JUST HAPPENED?" asked Gine very annoyingly.

"It looks like you committed murder!" shouted McGoogle very obviously, conspiring against the most obvious suspect.

Dumbledoor was next to appearing. He appeared very slowly. "It is a sad day indeed when a student dies here at Hogwarts," the Head Master replies to a question not asked. He is the Master of all Heads, so someone was thinking the question, no doubt. The one he just answered, that is.

"There is a way to see if Gine committed this crime," McGoogle spoke connectively. "It wouldn't put me past her though. She always seemed to think everyone likes her even though they don't. Poor student here probably pointed out something she wasn't good at," she said very demurely.

"I AM STILL IN THE ROOM….HELLO?" Gine said, confused, her eyes rolling in the back of her head beautifully and all seductive and cute and all that.

"Prior incantatum," cast Dumbledore steadily on Gine's wand. "It appears the last spell this wand cast is Lumos," he added scholarly.

"Yah, I couldn't find my toothbrush in the dark, and my teeth weren't perfectly white!" exclaimed Gina exclamation ally.

"Did you see what, happened here?" McGoogle asked the question that should have been the first question that was asked.

"No, I'm not supposed to remember the last 4 hours," Jeans spoke awesomely.

"That is oddly specific," stated Dumb Door unintentionally.

McGoogle ran a search engine on the body. According to her engine, it had been killed by Avada Kedavra! "I think a Death Eater likely killed this innocent victim," she grimly said adorably.

"Hmm," said Gine interestingly.

"I think someone cast Confundus charm on her," Dumble said pensively. "That is why she is always so lost."

"Yes, that explains a lot," McGoogle added meanly.

"Hmph," said Jeans awkwardly. "Hmm…hmm…nggh…ummm…yeah."

Dumbledorf nodded knowlinglie. "It is hard in times like these to deal within a tragedick storyline. Get thee to the hospital wing, she is in shock."

"She mustn't know watt is going on," added McGoogle happily. She was having so much pun right now.

Gine was willingly forced into the wings of hopstials, where it was treated her depressing mumbles. She was back to normal, butt didn't recalls Charcoals.

Charcoal was going back to his dorm room, so he did that. Gine waws all alone in the hopstial wing with Hermy .

"Why are we suddenly friends?" asked Hermione triumphantly.

"UMMM DUH. WE WERE ROOMIES," shouted Gine frantically.

"Oh right! I conveniently forgot that fact so it could be explained to the reader," Hermione supplied whimsically.

"Yeah. I'm not sure what I was doing outside of class," Jeans told her consipritorially.

"I think you were following that super cute boy," Hermione said out-of-character-ically.

"Oh umm, probably, like, yeah," Jeans told her personally.

"I think there are some clues having to do with that, when the teachers are gone let's break the rules and search."

"If it is one thing I know about you Hermione, is that you are a badass who breaks rules!" Jeans told her perfectsally.

"Ever since becoming your friend I realized that sometimes it is best to par-tay," she supplies humoroly. "You showed me the true meaning of friendshipping." She added knowjn gly.

"Well, even though I should still be in the hospital wing, let's escape and search the room with the dead body!" Jeans exorcized. "LIKE, WHAT!" Jeans awake form her slumber, went back up to the room with the student.

"Poor Robert," Hermione said about the dead student. The body was still there for evidence and such.

"I thought his name was Cedric," Jeans supplied.

"Hmm…maybe it was Edward?" asked Hermione. "I'm over it. Perhaps being here is triggering any memories? I don't know of any student proficient in memory charms, but the again you are my best friend and the only person I really care about."

"I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING. WHY DOES THIS STUFF ALWAYS HAPPEN ME?" Jeans cried paradoxically. "Maybe it was like a profsser or someone who kills him. I bet it was McGoogle sh sucks."

"Yeah, nobody likes McGoogle, ever since she disliked you everyone hated her," supplied Herm nudgingly.


	5. Something with a trickle and trinkle

CH 5: Something with a trickle and trinkle off fairee dust

_Explanatory: I was bored, and now I've created a monster._

Charcoal whent bak to his area so that he chould perform all nonchoolant and such. He conversedd to his roommate Frankie Smackers. And Crabs and Gargoyle. They were his finest sprouts. For lifetime. They all like had this attractive slight bond, except tip was MOR e badass than cute shince they are menfolk and altogether. Not little gkirls. But you previously knowed that one correct? Anyhow life goes on and such. Charoal remained all no coolant and what not and life went on. He didn't get found out. At least not yet.

Charcoal spoke audibly to his silent comrades. "Hey guys, I did that death eater task and stuff," he spoke surely with conviction.

"That is good," Draco expired defiantly.

"Tell me more," said Frankie smackers deviantly. He spoke like a high pitched frog with respiratory problems. In order to get the sound, hold your breath for approximately one minute, then laugh, then try and speak, while taking little air. That is what he sounds like. Yup.

"I can't until you join the Death Eaters. I can give you the Dark Mark," Charcoal expressed. He was really thinking about Jeans. And his housebroken dog, but mostly Jeans. Not his jeans, but Gine, and Burning Embers, his pet canine, who was super attractive and splendid. Burn-burn was a cardigan corgi who could cast incarnations and was a Death Eater. Burning Embers was simply delightful! Charcoal was loved by Burning Embers and Burning Embers was loved by Charcoal. OH crap, I was too busy describing the dog that it undermined what I meant to say about Jeans! Charcoals new it was the bestest that she forgot about him and his problematically disturbed ways.

Burning Embers was on a covert operation of adorable magnitude. He was to obtain treats from the nearest location, which was under the bed of Charcoals. He looked so so sad up at Charcoal like, "Can I have a treat?" **(authosz nte – dat doggay wasz his best like corokshanks was to hermyz). **

"Okay, you can have a treat," Charcoal spoke humiliatingly.

"Then you are sufficient," supplied Burn-burn quaintly.

"Of course I am," Charcoal differentiated obnoxiously.

As the plot continued to rise, Charcoal spoke the next plan aloud to his finest of sprouts. I am going to make you all Death Eaters so we can be death eaters together, he Said.

I am already a Death Eater, said Malfoy.

"I know that," Charcoal integrated preposterously. "However, Mr. Smackers here is not. Neither is Burn-burn."

"Woof!" supplied Burning Embers.

"I know!" Charcoal agreed. They improvised the inductor crematory to make Frankie a death Eater. He was then made a death eater.

"I am enjoying this," Frankie spoke creepily. "I am now a death eater. Muah. Ha. Ha. I will not betray you in the future."

"See to it that you do not!" spoke Burning Embers. "Arooo! Or I will eat all your treats!"

"Gahh! Not those ones that taste like chocolate but really aren't chocolate because they are for dogs!" Frankie exclaimed.

"Wait – I bought those for Burn-burn. Not cool, dude," said Charcoal upsettingly.

"YOU NEVER SAID YOU DID, COSTINGTON."

"They are dog treats. I have a dog. It was pretty fucking implied, umm…dude," said Charcoal. "And stop consumpting my things."

"We get nowhere by fighting. We must concentrate on the task at paw," barked Burning Embers. "Now that Frankie is a death eater, we should tell the Dark Lord of this news. He will probably be disappointed because he is the one supposed to make new death eaters, not you."

"Wow…how could I be so dense?" thought Charcoals. "It must be because I am in love. That gives me full excuses to be an idiot, and readers will not complain!"

"I sure am complaining," for saw Burning Embers.

"Oh crap, I forgot you could read my thoughts because you are my pet," thought Charcoal.

"Yes, and you never saw reason to investigate further. You are my pet is a good enough explanation for you, apparently," thought Burn-burn laughingly. "I display a healthy curiosity. For example, when someone throws a ball, I chase it! I do not wait and wonder where it went, I GO AND GET THAT BALL…do you have a ball by any chance?"

"Stay on task," everyone, spoke Charocal allowed.

"I'm not sure I even want," said Maloafy.

"Let us get on with the conspiratory," surreptitiously juxtaposed Burn Burn.

"Okay, so, we probably should go to Lord voldemor or something," Said charcaol.

And they did.

**NOW THE JPONIT OF VIEW SWITCHES THE JEANS**

Gine was wondering what the pint of life was. She could not remember Charcaol, since the anti-recollection spell was transmitted. She spoke to Herm, "Hey Hermione, why are we like STILL THIS ROOM?" she spoke to Herm.

Shrugging, Hermione replied, "We were supposed to look for clues, but you blacked out when the author decided to do a POV switch for no apparent reason."

"UMM...IT WAS TO CHARACTERIZE MY FUTURE BOYFRIEND," said jeans, because every sentence.

Jeans searched within her very pink soul to find the answer to the oilmen. "Hold, on, umm, like, I'm totally regaining A MEME-ROY."

"You mean memory?" Hermione Corrected smoothly. She knew Gine didn't always say what she meant, but she put up with it because they were widows.

"Oh yah, that. I AM GOING TO SHOW IT TO YOU!"

_Gine and Charcoal were together, not apart, floating in the air inside their forever-ever-land of love and peace and fluffy things. They kissed, and oceans met and became rocky mountains that were easy to climb despite being really tall. Logistically speaking, everything made perfect literal sense in the abstract. Until charcoal took the bait = hook, line, and sink. The faucet drip drip drip as the windrows flew down upon the sewer -_

Hermione interrupted, "I have no idea what it is I just saw, and I'm not sure I want to understand." She pondered. "It must be because you are so much smarter than I, Jeans."

"LET ME TRY ANOTHER."

"No, I don't think this will -"

Jeans projected another meme.

_Charcoal, jump upon this flotation device! We can still be as one, even though we are as two! I know that only YOU CAN REPENT for the deeds that You have done. The stones stare leaky at the speakers in the abyss and representative to the green dress is not the salvation you seek it is with me and my candy colored eye-borrows...I AM FOREVER ALONE._

Hermione exploded. Don't worry; she is; fine.

"I HAVe to get ot Charocal! He is in trouble VOLDEMOR!"

Hermione put herself back together. She looked at Jeans. Did you just make me explode? She wonderly asked.

Gine spoke to Hermione. "haha i know. im just obnoxiously recently."

"If what you said is true, then we have to get to Voldemort."

"so herm, aren't you liek, mad that I exploded you?" asked Gine. "I'm soo sorry, btw."

"That's okay, at this point I'm expecting it from you," sighed herm. "you don't care much for me, but that's okay because I am yore finest sprout."

In a desperate act of desperation, Gine decided to call...McGoogle!

DA END...of this chapta.


	6. Y u do ALL good tings come 2 da End?

CH 6: Y u do ALL good tings come 2 da End? No seriously. Why do they?

Now, now, Scolded voldemort. Y you induct Frankie Smarckers indo da Dath eaters?

"I really wasn't thinking," thought Charcaol. Since the Dark Lord could use Occlumency, he knew that Charcoal thought that. He knew Charcoal was thinking that he wasn't really thinking. Even though by definition, I wasn't really thinking is still thinking. Ever think of that? **(a/n: OMG HAHAH EyE M SO CLEFAR)**

MEANWHILE, JEANS AND HERMIONE WERE TRYING TO PLAN TO GET TO CHARCOAL TO GET HIM AWAY FROM VOLDEMORT.

MEANWHILE, THIS SCENE WAS STILL HAPPENING, SO WE ARE GOING TO READ ABOUT IT.

"I have a proposition for all of you, but es pet chyal E you, Mr. Dark Lord the Master of all Evil," wheezed Mr. Smackers. "How about you kill Charcoal? He thinks you are above me by making me a Death Eater. I declined, but he did so anyway without my consent."

"That is a lie, good sir!" woofed Burning Embers. "You readily agreed to said agreement!"

Everyone ignored the talking dog.


	7. THE side story of Goodwheather

**CH 7: THE side story of Goodwheather**

_void DisplayFanFiction (object oReader, string sFicName);_  
_/ A programming reference...seriously? Seriously._

Elisza Goodwheater loved to talk about one thing, and one thing only. The weather. That was all she was and all she ever will be. Well, she is currently a side plot, but still. Elisza loved to time travel. She went on many adventures. One time, she went a planet where all they talked about was the weather! She loved it there and wanted to stay forever. However, they ate all outsiders, and she was an outsider, so they were going to eat her, so she had to leave. It was still her best adventure, though. Every other character in her other adventures thought she was boring, because she somehow managed to get the conversation to change to weather-related topics every single time. She entered the time turner one more time, keen on another adventure. She really was quite dull and mediocre. All she like to talk about was the weather, whether or not anyone wants to hear it. Whether the weather is good or bad, Elisza Goodwheather talks about it!  
She suddenly appeared at Hogwarts! This is the part where you gasp! It was like woah, these are two intersecting story lines, how is like, the author gonna connect them? But I just did, and it just blew your mind since you thought it would be clever or something, but I went the obvious route one could see a mile away. Aww, you still had hope for this, didn't you? Oh yes you did! (Okay, I admit, you probably didn't.)!

Elisza stood next to Hermione, Gine, and McGoogle. "Oh great, another unexplained character that nobody cares about," spoke the McGoogle engine 3.0.

"YOU HAVE OT HELP US. CHARCOAL LIGHTS UP MY WORLD, LIKE, NONSTOP," Jeans worse.

"Hello. I am a normal student. My name is Elisza Goodwheather," Elisza Goodwheather deadened. "My oh my, is it sunny out today. The forecast is slightly cloudy though, so we can expect -"

"Yeah, anyways, Miss Geraldine, you were saying?" McGoogle interrogated Adorable Ally.

"VOLDEMORT HAS KIDNAPPEd my ONE tru luv!" I said.

"Yes, we smut stop the Dark Lord! Because Gine wants," said Herm.

"Yes, we must stop the Dark Lord, and the fact that the high temperature for today is around 27 degrees indicates -"

"WAIT IF IT SUNNY THEN WHY IS IT LOW FREEZIN?" jeans spoketh.

"Since we are in Europe, we are measuring temperature in Celsius. We can expect a low of 20 tonight and -"

"Please, stop saying anything educational, the readers are going to think we have some intelligence," pleads Her my oh knee.

"we actually in british, thats not your rope, awesomeized gine.

"Europe, not 'your rope.' Anyways you can convert Celsius to Fahrenheit using simple mathematics, but talking about math might divert the conversation to lesser topics, such as anything not about the weather -"

"I wish I had a rope," observed McGoogle. She could pretend she was a cowgirl, and ride a pony. she would name is sparkles and love it very much.

"OMG MY BF IS BEING TORETED AND YOU JUT WANNA TALK BOUT ROPES AND DA WEATHERS YOU all can YOU ALL SUCK."

"You actually do not know _**whether **_or not he is being tortured, but take solace in the fact that tomorrow's _**weather **_is sunny with only a small chance of rain!"

"The readers won't mind we are making fun of the horrors of torture. Nobody is going to take this story seriously anyway," juxtaposed McGoogle.

"Especially when you are using a verb such as juxtaposed when it is not needed," proposed Elisza! " And that reminds me of the time when I bought a barometer and it started to malfunction and -"

"Please, please, just help me help my boyfriend, because I cannot help myself help him."

"I cannot help thou. He is a death monger and going there without Harry Potter would be pointless in and outside of itself," McGoogle said.

"Actually, a leather apple would be awesome!" said Jeans.

"Does anyone ever bother to listen to her?...Seriously?" asked McGoogle as she vacates the premises.

"Actually, I am the tragic heroin," said Gine. "My love can never get enuff."

"We have to make a plane," Hermione will say. "I will know that Voldemort is holding Charcoal Costington in the Forbidden Forest. We should go to the centaur forest and see how they're doing."

"Your right we definitely did go to the centaur forest and found out how they were, how did i forget that?" asked Jeans. Gine then began to apply her leather apple perfume. You see, she wasn't being random. She cast a transfiguration spell, and the leather apple became perfume. IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE LATER ON JUST GO WITH IT.

Gine appeared in eh forbidden forest behind Voldemort and charcoal. "Okay, torture time is like, totally over now," he said.

"That's cool," said Charcoal.

"Really, that is how things get resolved?" asked Frankie Smackers evilly.

"Arooooo!" Burning Embers marked his territory near a small bush.

"NO!" supported Gines. "I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS CRAP. CHARCOAL. I want you, and one lee you. I have wanted only you for as long as I can recall. Without you I am a dizzy puzzle piece, pointless and alone and pathetic and other stuff that isn't good! I can't explain this! I don't want to explain this! I just really want to be with you together forever and ever and we can just...be and I know that I'm like all preppy and you are all like Mr. Leather pants but that's okay and this isn't stupid!"

"What I don't understand is how this will fit into my own diabolical plans," Frankie Smackers Said.

"Oh you sophisticated soul, you." Burn-burn howled. Everyone ignored the talking dog yet again. He was starting to wonder who he had to beg from to get a belly rub around here. Seriously! Humans were so inconsiderate.

"What is this impudent person doing in this dialog sequence?" asked the Dark Lord. "She must join the Death Eaters. Or die. Whatever she prefers."

"Oh crap."

Charcoal didn't want his life for Gine. She was so beautiful and innocent and so beautiful. "Gine, I'm so sorry this happened. You really shouldn't have followed me."

"I can't help but follow you. I have no mind of my own!"

"Excuse me!" interrupts Burning Embers. "I am the one that follows him around, and I do so far more adorably then you ever will."

"But you do have a mind of your own Gine," said Charcoal. "I can't love you if you never learn to love yourself."

"So you want me to clone myself then ask myself out on a date then get my heart broken by myself since I am in love with some one else?"

"Um...no. I never said that. But that would be super hot."

While nobody was even looking, Frankie Smackers cast the Imperious curse on Gine. Gine speaks the words in her head. "I WILL JOIN THE DEATH EATERS. I SHALL KILL IN THE NAME OF THE DARK LORD, FOR HE IS GREAT AND POWERFUL AND GREAT AND POWERFUL AND GREAT AND POWERFUL AND - "Oh, crap, when I was coding her I did an infinite loop. Quick, alt + f4! thinks Frankie Smackers. He wanted to make Jeans loyal to Voldy so that Voldy would like him more for bringing more followers and promote him so he'd have more power and stuff. Okay, so Jeans had joined the Death Eaters...wat now?

After all those events transpired, Jeans was obtained the dark mark by the darkest lord. "OMG THAT HURTS. LIKE, A LOT." she said.

"Hmm..." thought Charcoals.

Then the two of them went on a date. They were at a picnic by the Lost Lake or whatever. The silk waves of the picnic backseat made it distinct that they were the ones. Gine asked Charcoal, "Do you want me to tell you what I'm thinking about?" He declined, stating that Gine's stream of consciousness dialog was confusing and an unnecessary addition to the story.

"Okay then well then WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT, HANDSOME?" asked Gine.

"I was just wondering why we have to do a bunch of evil things all the time...not that I don't like it or anything," angsted Charcoal.

"You should do what you want," un-angsted Gine. "Sometimes I wonder, you know."

"Wonder about what?" Charcoal asked.

"It's just...ever since I first saw you, you were all I could ever think about. I didn't really care for anyone else, including myself...I just wanted to be with you. Is that normal?"

"Umm...sure, yeah I guess." Charcoal felt the same way, but it was far too early in this tale for him to admit to that.

"We can take solace in our little piece of heaven, here, by the lake," Jeans caressed Charcoal's.

"Life has just fallen apart, but you were there for me," she said and their lips met in a flurry of passion and excitement. Gine's cerulean orbs glistened in the night, briefly flickering open during the kiss just catch a mere glimpse the man her heart ached for. She truly adored his perfect soul. Charcoal's pale lips were moistened by Jean's not so pale lips. It was pretty hot. You know how kisses are in movies? Like, really good kisses? That was what this kiss was like. It wasn't like a bad kiss, you know, like the ones you probably have. It was way hotter and sexier.

"Yes. I didn't want to say anything, but we kissed once before this kiss," he breathed into his own ear, his breath all ragged and sexy-like.

"We did kiss, once before this here kiss?" she pondered.

"Yes, well, I had to cast a memory charm upon you, my love," he admitted. "I um...killed a Hufflepuff. Our master like, totally commanded us. And by us, I mean me. Since you weren't part of our order then. So he couldn't command you. Well, he could, but you probably wouldn't listen at that time. Because you weren't part of the death eaters, so you had no obligation to obey him. I mean, you might, since you'd fear for your life, but you might not, since you are on the side of good."

"THANKS FOR CLARIFYING, BABE."

Their lips met again, and their tongues danced. If I could name the dance, it would be a tango. Or perhaps a foxtrot. "Wait," he interrupted their awesome super sexy hot kiss, "are you mad?"

"Wait...what?" she said.

"I meant U MAD?" he clarified. "I killed an innocent...don't you care?" Charcoal was concerned for his girlfriend. Isn't that really hawt?

"Well I would have cared, but I serve the Dark Lord now, and now that I serve him, I don't seem to care anymore...?"

"That is truly awful...but it makes sense, I guess. You wouldn't want to make him angry by regretting killing people he tells you to kill..."

"Do you care?" she asked. "It is dangerous to do such a thing when serving the Dark Lord?" she asked again, like it was a question. Even though it wasn't, her inflection made it sound like it was.

"Oh totally of course not do I care!" he lies. "I do not of the lie care to course!"

"BABE YOU ARE HELLA CONFUSING SOMETIMES."

"You alter between being superficial and semi-profound, so you are doing to have to deal with a little bit of poorly written angst, sweetums."

"Angst, angst, poorly written angst," Jeans awesomeized.

"Yeah, pretty much." The power couple made out some more. Was there anything to get in their way? There wouldn't be that much conflict in the story if this was their happily ever after. Something was bound to go wrong. Eventually. Not that they knew that.


End file.
